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Dancing with Grief. 
In times of great chaos space is cleared for what is to come. 

After my third miscarriage last month I am compelled to break the silence about miscarrying… I went searching for answers, for resources for comfort… yet found only hushed terrified mothers drowning in grief on group chats. My vow is to speak openly & lovingly about my miscarriage to inspire others to come forth & do the same. We are a divine sisterhood- none of us should ever feel alone. 

Death. What a fantastic beautiful creation our mere human minds cannot help but mourn over. In actuality there is no reason to long for the physical being that has left such form- for the soul is never dying. 

A soul free of vessel has a magnitude of freedom we cannot fathom. 

Never hungry- nor tired- ever calm- never suffering… Once the soul is free she dances amidst a fragrant sea of space & dimensions… with time a fictitious distant memory. Her knowledge of this lifetime is downloaded into one collective consciousness to learn through play & curiosity every crevice, wink & miracle of this earth.

To my stillborn child, thank you. Our moments together were infinite. To have you in my womb while laughing, meditating, loving… I will cherish these times my entire human life. 

The connection of having a soul pass through my bones is indescribable. This is my third miscarriage & each time is it as if a switch to wonderland has been flicked on in my core. Colors illuminate with uncanny vibrance, animals speak with newfound clarity, each step is a kiss on mother earth… Such a connection is possible at all times however I have found it incredibly magnified while pregnant. 

I am but an infant child in an infinite universe… to have the privilege to carry another life- for however long it lasts is mesmerizing.

How I balance spirituality & tragedy:

No matter how many times death occurs in my lifetime it does not get any easier… in fact the more tuned in I become the harder it is. My mind goes to battle with feeling sadness & suffering that my soul does not have a place for… Physical pain combats serenity. Blood rushes staining the calm…

And so… I let myself feel… 

I feel all the human emotions I need to. I scream & cry, run & sing, dance & collapse. Balancing  a spiritual existence does NOT mean shutting off our human needs but rather learning how to let them flow to clear the way for joy to resume filling our being. 

With her remains bloomed a sacred fire, essential oils, sage, palo santo, frankincense & myrrh resin were circled around her atop the cloths on which I bled. I sang her sweet lullabies, chanted light language prayers of passing & let the warmth of the flames comfort my body.

The death of a child, the loss of anyone opens new parts of ourselves for us to explore. All experience is good experience no matter the pain because we confront new challenges & learn how to move with them. We have all heard the expression “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” I would say a better way to describe such a sensation is “what breaks our being builds back with bigger beginnings.” Our souls do not perish- only do our bodies rot. What shatters the mind on a physical level creates new electric high ways for our thought patterns to connect with. When our bones snap, our immunity fails, when our vision dims our bodies adapt to heighten our other senses for survival.

My unborn daughter is now driving new callings in my life from another world. I return my gratitude back to her by celebrating her! I DO NOT pretend she didn’t exist or that time will fade her memory! I meditate & channel her vibrance. She whispers gentle “Mother of none to be Mother of all.” I am now apprenticing to be a priestess, a sound healer, a Reiki master. Her physical death has challenged me to explore a new path of self-discovery drawing me into the divine feminine powers within me. 

*This was written in 2016 I am now initiated, a Certified Reiki Master, a Sound Healer, a Composer, a Painter (I feel Plae closest with me as I paint), an Author, a Creature Creator, a Fire Spinner… a Singer… 

Let us celebrate all life for however long together. Please reach out & know you are never alone.

Sending Love & Light, 

Weslyn